Don’t apologise for using personal development tools, or the rapid shifts they bring…
This may seem like a strange thing to say, but here’s the thing…
I say all the time that NPA allows you to move through the challenges of life with tremendous speed and with relative ease.
This can be a challenge for people around you, if it doesn’t fit their expectations for what a ‘normal’ timescale is for such things.
Back in December of 2015, my 6 year relationship came to an end. This is a BIG deal in anyone’s life. There are cultural and habituated expectations about ‘taking time to heal’, ‘moving through the grief process’ and genuinely dealing with the pain of breakup.
But I did a LOT of NPA-ing
Using The Tools
I NPA’d around the grief, the lost dreams, the stories I had about what I wished she had been able to be, what I thought I should have been… Everywhere where there was pain lingering… Everywhere where my identity was tied to the relationship… Everywhere I felt conflicted, in spite of the clear truth that the decision was the right one.
I NPA’d my fears, my sadness AND what I wanted going forward.
It was amazing that after just a couple of weeks I felt incredibly clear, incredibly free and incredibly whole. I was ready to step out and discover myself anew.
What I didn’t expect was a backlash for doing just that.
Being happy, whole and vibrant ‘too soon’, it seemed was a crime.
Into the stocks with me, squashed tomatoes at the ready…
‘Insensitive’, ‘Unreal’, ‘Escapist’… these accusations came from various mutual friends of my X and mine.
Pause For Thought
I even got an unsolicited private message from a business coach who told me that my social media output, being ’too upbeat’ at this time was ‘Bad for business’! “People will see you as uncaringâ€, she said, “That could negatively effect your brand”. Now, I get that from her perspective, this was well intentioned… never-the-less, it really gave me pause for thought.
On one hand, she has a point.
As I’ve said, people can have a hard time if you step out of the box. It challenges their reality and they’d often much rather you get back in there. And if you don’t? They’ll likely find a way to put you back in… in their minds at least… labelled ‘uncaring’ for example. That can seem much easier to them than getting curious about a new possibility… and potentially rocking their world.
That may sound like I’m judging it, but actually I’m just stating an unfortunate truth about our society and culture in general today. The very one that the business coach was pointing to.
A Potent Question
But I asked myself a very potent question: “Do I want to align my energy with that thinking?â€
The answer was a clear “No”
I replied to her that I taught tools that facilitated rapid change. More rapid than was normal. That that WAS my ‘brand’. I call myself a “21st Century Heretic†precisely because NPA challenges many of the modern day ’norms’.
What example would I be if I muted my living testament to that?
What integrity would I have?
What would I be teaching to those who decide to take full advantage of the tools I offer? That you can use them, but keep the results secret? Set yourself free with speed and ease, but hide the fact that you have?
It made no sense to do that.
It didn’t feel true.
It’s not that I’m devoid of compassion for other peoples pace, or that their perception and stories might cause them pain – quite the contrary. It’s just rare for anyone to leave their mark on the world and not offend anyone, right? And the best way to show the world a new possibility is to BE THAT, unashamedly.
Good Questions To Ask Yourself
So, here’s some good questions to ask yourself…
Do you limit your enthusiasm, your happiness or your wholeness to make those around you feel more comfortable?
Do you hide away the inner work you do, for fear of ridicule or change?
Do you shy away from inner work, or resist its impact because it might challenge the status quo?
Do you choose to align with limited ideas and possibilities, when inside you’re crying to step into your power?
If you do any of these, then start with some self-forgiveness… there’s a LOT of social pressure in there, and courage takes practice. Then you can look at, and shift, whatever is holding the pattern in place.
One great way to use NPA in this situation, is took look at what you fear other people might say? And what resistances and challenging emotions come up in you? Find some Cookie Cutters and NPA them… The revolutionary road could be smoother than you think.
Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…
“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”
I was tempted by the resistance to mute myself, but I got the lesson.
Make No Apology
I make no apology for the fact that I am committed to using the tools I have.
I make no apology for the fact that NPA moved me through the pain of the break up faster than seemed ‘normal’ to some people.
I heartily encourage you to make no apology for your wonderful growth either. Stand in the glory of beautiful, exceptional you and you will be showing the world there’s a kinder, freer path available.
Life is short.
Who does it serve to play down your wholeness?
If you can save yourself months, even years, of suffering then why wouldn’t you?
When I feel locked up with stress, one of my go-to fast tracks to release and relief is gratitude. Gratitude (for even the tiniest of things) opens doors to the energy of love. In fact, consciously bringing your attention to gratitude is in itself an act of self love.
But, it’s not lost on me that there are times it feels like there’s no freakin’ way you can access gratitude in the midst of life’s challenges. So I want to share with you, a surprising yet magical way to ‘bridge’ from the deepest doo doo, to gratitude and self love…
This One Tip Might Shock You, But It Could Be The Epiphany That Sets You Free:
Here’s the tip…
Gratitude can F**k off
This might seem kinda weird, seeing as I’m advocating gratitude but I’m even more an advocate for starting where you are.
If the thought you should be, could be or would be better off being grateful comes in the midst of you having a low-vibe moment AND it’s met with fierce internal resistance… Then please, for the love of God, honour your authentic experience in the moment.
Be fully present to the resistance and give it an outlet. Let it move!
For you it might not be the words “Gratitude can F off”… But let the resistance have its voice in some form.
The amazing thing about doing this is that you step into a space of ‘not resisting the resistance’… In other words you move surprisingly effortlessly into non-resistance.
The thing is, if an inspiration to gratitude has come knocking on your door, then it’s already hanging around in your energy… It’s right there, even if the resistance has been blocking the doorway to you experiencing it.
Once you honour the resistance and let it move, there will be space…
You’ll feel it… You’ll feel things move…
Perhaps you’ll chuckle as you tell gratitude where to go?
Perhaps there’ll be a sense of immediate relief, which you feel physically, emotionally or mentally?
Or maybe those tears you’ve been needing to shed will finally come?
The beauty of this is that once things move, the door will be clear and open and gratitude can just slip quietly in… kind of all by itself…
And perhaps you’ll discover you’re grateful that you honoured YOU and gave yourself permission to tell gratitude to F off… And gratitude for THAT is suddenly oh so welcome…
Here’s to the ongoing flow of your beautiful, human, authentic self…
Have you ever spent time striving vigilantly to experience the ‘real’ you?
Has it ever felt like you’re trying to towel yourself dry in a rain storm?
I’m going to tell you how you can stop and get off the enlightenment hamster wheel, but first, let’s look at the problem…
I recently saw a picture quote that someone shared by Eckhart Tolle. It said,
“Boredom, anger, sadness or fear are not ‘yours’, not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you”
Of course I agree that these states are not personal. However, the danger of pointing to a ‘you’, in terms of that which doesn’t change, is that you then seek a ‘you’ that is constant.
The thing is, even experiences of some apparently constant backdrop; Experiences of ‘consciousness’, ‘Being’, ‘pure awareness’, ‘oneness’ etc… Experiences which are so often labelled as the ‘real you’… These too are ultimately experiential states which come and go. Even these, fundamentally, are not personal.
So the search for some constant, ‘real’ you can bring about a lot of confusion, disillusionment and lostness
“So who the heck am I then?” You may well ask?
Well…
What if you could let go of the either/or… Either I’m this or that?
What if you stopped limiting your sense of ‘who you really are’ to a single, or small set of labels which negate, deny or implicitly judge a vast spectrum of human experience?
What if you even dropped the whole spiritual ideal of a real vs unreal you?
And…
What if you accepted that all you have as a human being is your personal experience of the non-personal?
What if you embraced the notion that the self is a fluid thing; a community of dancing energies ‘pulling shapes’ in your own style, in time to the Universal pulse?
What if you ended the war with your personality/ego… And everyone else’s for that matter..?
Take a moment, and let those sink in…
Non-Personal Awareness invites you to let go of any spiritual judgements and welcome the dynamic wholeness of your beautiful self.
Why?
Because those that do, say they experience:
A tremendous amount of relief on all levels…
An ease of being which picks up the flow of life in all its multi-faceted expression…
A real-world passion re-igniting in their bodies and hearts…
A longed for depth of connection with their fellow humans, finally has space to land…
And of course, the healing & wellbeing benefits of deeply realising that none of it is personal…
How?
Well perhaps just me offering this perspective permanently shifts yours in some profound way?
That would be wonderful!
The cultural conditioning to search for, or try to be, some idealised spiritual ‘self’ runs deep.
So for most people, even if they’ve done a lot of work on themselves, to come full-bodied into the freedom and ease of the non-personal perspective takes practice over time. But it’s not an arduous practice and comes with a LOT of secondary benefits…
It starts with The NPA Process… A simple, six line, spoken word process that allows you to let go of the yukky stuff and let in the yummy stuff of life. It allows you quickly and simply, to truly GET that stuff like anger, depression, illness, relationship struggles, a sense of lack and so many other struggles are not ‘yours’. And in that realisation those states can leave, kind of all by themselves…
It sounds incredible, but I’ve got stacks of testimonials from people all over the world who have experienced this.
Over time, as you work on this or that struggle, the wider understanding that nothing, fundamentally, is personal begins to establish itself as a core awareness within your psyche. And THAT’s when you’re world becomes very free, very connected, very vibrant and deeply delicious.
You need the Basic Training to really get started on this journey and there’s an online video course here:
THE NPA PROCESS: BASIC TRAINING…
“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”
But if you take anything away from this article, let it be this:
If you want to get off the spiritual hamster wheel of searching for (or trying to be) some idealised ‘Self’. Then embrace the notion that who you are is a fluid, dynamic thing and that the wonder of life is to discover who or what that is in each moment.
OK, so the UK voted to leave the EU… what now my awakened friend?
I see a lot of anger, sadness, outrage and, frankly, pain and suffering on social media today… based on what?
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? Everything’s going to sh%t!
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? We should hang our heads in shame!
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? We should attack those that voted to leave!
The reality is, we just don’t know ‘what now’ in practical, legal and economic terms. There’s good evidence for various scenarios, but even the genuine ‘experts’ (you know, the people that actually know what they’re talking about) state very clearly that the only thing we know for sure is that we don’t know how a decision to leave the EU will play out…
Projections and assumptions is all we have to go on…
So I wanted to invite you to look a little deeper…
Let me ask you this:
Have you ever been surprised by your own decisions? Done something you thought you’d never do? Something that, at the time, you thought was bad?
I know I have, and on each occasion, though it may have precipitated surprise, change, massive disruption and often pain… at some level there was healing and growth underneath it.
My Soul, as I see it, had decided it was time to bring light to some aspect of my shadow… to set it free… enlighten it… In accordance with my prayers and intentions…
What you may not have thought about, or realised is:
The UK has a Soul.
All countries do, as part of their collective consciousness and identity. Nations (and anything with a defined boundary) are Beings in their own right. And if you are a UK citizen, then you are part of it. Like organs and cells are individually themselves, but also part of you.
So let me speak to something bigger than your personal, localised self… your personalised local Soul even…
And let me ask you this:
Are you willing to stay with your ‘self’ in the face of the healing that’s being asked for from your Soul? Or will you shy away, splinter off in anger and self recrimination? For as you rage and persecute those that voted to leave for ‘their ignorance’ you split the very thing you say you love, and prolong the pain.
The personal responses to the national decision very much reflect our responses to ourselves when we believe we have f*%ked things up.
I believe you are interested in a conscious, healing response to the reality of the situation…
So, let’s break it down:
I’ve stated these reactions in a pretty bold way, and you might say “I don’t think thatâ€â€¦ just be aware that I’ve used these terms to highlight the essence of the reaction in a very obvious way, however they can show up in more subtle and ‘civilised/rational’ ways. And in anywise, it’s an invitation to ask yourself if these are happening within you…
Our minds are natural “Disaster Movie Making Machinesâ€. You know this! So I invite you to examine your assumptions with some genuine self inquiry if you’re generating suffering in yourself by believing your minds scary story.
You can ask Byron Katie’s amazing questions, starting with “Is it true?”
REACTION 2: We should hang our heads in shame!
At the heart of this is an identity issue. You’ve taken the decision personally and attached a meaning to our national identity (including you) based on the decision we’ve made that is causing you pain. Shame and self condemnation my friend is pain.
Freeing up painful attachment to your sense of identity isn’t about denying your actions or their consequences. It’s about dropping the paralysing, disabling disempowerment, bringing clarity and freedom of movement to respond wholesomely in presence.
The NPA Process works directly with identity issues and is great for helping you step out of blocks which come from identity shifts. It empowers you to stop beating yourself up and start taking clear positive action at times like these. It also frees you up to allow IN the new sense of self that your Soul is calling for.
REACTION 3: We should attack those that voted to leave!
So you feel angry. I get it.
Things didn’t go as you wanted or expected… An idea about the future has been shattered. And you’re scared.
Anger can be a tough emotion to sit with. I get that too.
That’s why we tend to avoid it.
That’s why we project it out. Look for someone to blame.
“Those ignorant idiots! How could they do it?â€
This doesn’t address the emotion directly. It doesn’t take the healing opportunity that’s being offered and it puts YOU firmly in the victim roll… which. I’m guessing, ISN’T where your heart lays…
You might expect me to say “Don’t be angry, it’s all as it’s meant to be†yada yada…
But that isn’t real is it? If you’re feeling anger… FEEL it. And I mean really feel it. Sit your ass down and let the pure anger come. It’s a wave, and like all emotions it comes to pass. The avenue of passage is direct and full experience… projecting it out is just playing tennis with it.
Letting it truly come to pass, again, will free you from unconscious pain inducing responses AND most likely bring you the gift of awareness about where this national decision hooks you at a personal level. All good!
You can certainly use NPA to help you fully experience this, and there are lots of modalities which encourage you to do this, including Transformational Breathing, Vipassana style meditation and more.
A great method for directly sitting in emotions, which I have practiced and taught all over the world, is The Journey… So I have included a link to that in a list of resources below.
Tough Love
I’ve called this tough love, because I believe we’re in a time where we are being called to USE the knowledge we have as awakened, conscious folk. I’ve seen a lot of these reactions from a lot of conscious people this morning… Including myself!
I felt, literally, moved to write this and I hope it serves you to bring greater peace, grounded-ness, consciousness and freedom when the energy in the air is a little bit crazy.
Suppression comes in many forms: activity, outburst, numbing, anger and more… but in a willingness to truly experience the pure energy of the grief that comes with change, an incredibly swift purge of pain is possible.
The irony is that those who don’t understand may think you cold and unfeeling if you achieve this, for the cultural dogma says that grief must last for so much longer (“If you cared” they say).
I encourage you to do your work anyway and stand as an example of what’s possible.
The reality is though, that even those who have the tools may not have the resources to use them in times of the greatest grief and pain. Forgive yourself, or others if that is the case… we all have our own rocky paths in this adventure called life.
Get 1:1 support with Joel…
Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:
“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”
I feel incredibly blessed to have at my disposal (and to have practiced for many years) incredible tools that make this possible, including NPA.
The practice is important as preparation for the more difficult times. It allows the ‘channels of active use’ to be more available to you when the chips are down and the urge to avoid and suppress is at its strongest.
Last month brought a hugely significant ending for me and has been a great teacher on this. It has shown me both where I have needed to step up my practice, and also where my practice has stepped up for me.
In the coming year I renew my commitment to deepening my practice and to helping others step up and deepen in theirs, whichever tools, rituals or techniques they use but especially NPA.
Grief and ALL those crazy, weird, wonderful emotions can bring the deepest gifts into your life.
Practicing the tools will prepare you to make the most of it when life presents those ‘opportunities’
Namaste my Lovely friends
If you’d like to find out more about NPA, you can visit www.JoelYoungNPA.com and start practicing now.
I was working with a client last week and got into some interesting territory around cravings she was experiencing. Inevitably, we looked at it through the lens of non-personal awareness. One of the hall marks of the non-personal perspective is to switch from a personalised view point to a relational one.
It was very powerful for her to take the following steps when the cravings came calling.
But, first off, it bears saying that some cravings are just natural hunger, and some are telling you that you’re deficient in some nutrient, so not all of them are ‘unhealthy’. This approach is for those cravings you know to be unhealthy…
THE 5 STEPS
1) Align with the personalised truth of the moment…
When a craving hits you, it’s been embodied, so you have personalised the energy. To put that another way, you have claimed the craving as yours and made it part of yourself. I often espouse the value of ‘Starting where you are’, it ground you into the current reality and means your movement from there is more connected and so, more impactful. You can do this with a simple statement: “I have a craving”
2) Step into the non-personal, relational perspective…
You are not, in fact, the craving. That might seem like an obvious statement but it’s so automatic to personalise these independent energies, that we often miss the blindingly obvious. A simple statement will help you move from the personalised, to the non-personalised perspective: “There is a craving”
3) Understand that an unhealthy craving is driven by pain…
This is true of any imbalanced behaviour – underlying it is some form of pain, driving a misdirected behavioural response, which is what marks it as ‘unhealthy’. So now you have untangled yourself from the energy of the craving in step two, you can begin to see this more clearly. A statement will help you align with this perspective: “The craving is in pain”
4) Align yourself with compassion for the craving…
This is not about figuring out what the pain is, analysing it or fixing it. Simply allowing yourself to acknowledge that the craving is a distinct energy and it is in pain generally elicits your natural human response of compassion, and compassion is an empowering perspective for you personally. There’s no statement as such here, but if compassion isn’t coming naturally, try imagining the craving as a little puppy in pain… that usually does the trick 😉
5) Open the possibility of another action or behavioural response…
An unhealthy craving is fixated on a particular behaviour or action as the antidote to it’s pain – be that eating, smoking or whatever. When you ‘give in to’ or are ‘taken over by’ it, when you personally identify with it, you are subject to that belief and behaviour. Now that you have untangled from it and are in a space of compassion, you’re in a much stronger place to open the doors of possibility. Again this is not about figuring out what that is – in the non-personal the ‘mechanisms’ are given space to find you. The point is to align you, and the relational space between you and the craving, with the energy of option rather than a singular and unhealthy route. In other words, it puts possibility in the pot. A simple statement will do this: “There is another way”
As I said, my client found this incredibly helpful, so I thought I would share it with you and hope that it makes a difference to your life experience. I’d love to hear what you experience, so please share in the comments below… and share it on social media if you feel your friends and those in your network could benefit from it.
In this short audio with Joel Young, The Creator of The NPA Process, you will discover how the requirement for personal involvement in your healing journey has dramatically changed since the background shift in consciousness has matured over the past few years…
Joel explains…
The historic culture of personal involvement
How things are different since the recent shift
Why purpose is context specific on the healing path
Discernment between option and need
How one lady went from flustered stuttering to clear expression in 30 seconds
How shifting consciousness automatically shifts emotional states, limiting beliefs and unhealthy behaviours
When conscious participation IS necessary
What love’s got to do with it
Time investment: 6.5 minutes
Why Conscious Participation Is Not Always Necessary For Healing
Criticism is a part of life, and yet so many people have a hard time receiving it and they often experience a lot of hurt in the process. Even if the critics intention is to be constructive, it can be experienced as painful.
I often say that awareness is a powerful thing, so I thought I’d bring some awareness to the topic, laying out why the sensitivity is there, and how NPA can change the experience completely in a healthy way.
Why Are People So Sensitive When It Comes To Criticism From Others?
You might be surprised to learn that the sensitivity actually comes from defence. Criticism threatens an identity, or sense of self and as we become more attached to an identity, it becomes rigid and brittle. If you imagine your skin became rigid and brittle and then someone came up and poked it – it might well split, and then OUCH!
Taking things personally is literally attaching to an identity – you say ‘that’s me that is’, or, equally as confining, ‘that’s NOT me’. For example, a 5 year old who’s told by his Dad: ‘You’re funny!’ may take that on as a fundamental character trait. Literally taking it as ‘Funny: that’s who I am’. Perhaps he grows up and builds an identity all around that idea, maybe even makes it a career! Then someone say’s ‘you’re not that funny’ and his brittle skin gets poked! Of course, different people respond differently in different situations, but he may lash out, or withdraw – either way he feels pain.
A Way To Stop Taking Things Personally
Essentially, The NPA Process allows people to stop taking things personally. Now, most of us realise that taking things personally is a painful thing but few have any idea HOW to NOT take things personally – so that’s pretty awesome by itself!
But what I have come to realise is that ‘taking things personally’ is threaded much more deeply and subtly through our human psyche and is the fundamental mechanism for creating our experiences – both wonderful and painful.
NPA has now had a huge impact on the lives of people from all over the world, from all walks of life and in a huge variety of situations. So, it turns out, that the NPA Process is an amazing tool for clearing painful experiences quickly AND allowing more expansive and joyful experiences into our lives.
Running with the brittle skin metaphor for a bit, you could say that NPA gives you healthy skin – supple yet strong, sensitive and able to feel a vast range of sensations, yet in no way tender and raw. Someone can ‘have a poke’, but it doesn’t hurt, there’s nothing to defend and it can be seen for what it is; just a perspective.
So, Should We Take NOTHINGÂ Personally?
People are often surprised when I tell them that NPA does not subscribe to the idea that taking things personally is always bad. In fact it acknowledges that fundamentally it’s how we experience anything at all!
What causes us pain and suffering is that brittle-ness I spoke of earlier – that attachment to, and defence of, a transitory idea of who we are. NPA offers a ‘multiple perspective’ approach which I teach on the Saturday of The NPA Expansive Weekend and in NPA: The Bridge and this can bring a great deal of fluidity and relief to peoples sense of identity.
NPA is interested in helping people notice and shift those places where brittleness and therefore pain and suffering has come about from taking things personally, where either they are clinging to something that wants to pass, or resisting something that wants to come into their life.
A Note On Clarity & Action
People sometimes misinterpret this perspective and think that I am suggesting a path of passivity that a) never acknowledges that sometimes the critic is just being an arse, and b) doesn’t allow space for the criticised person to have a powerful response.
So here’s what I’ve noticed…
There isn’t one formula for a response that is appropriate in all situations. The reports I get, and my own experience tells me that NPA (and not taking things personally generally) brings a tremendous clarity and presence to the situation. From that clarity and presence strong affirmative action seems to arise naturally.
This is not the powerless, angry action of someone who is in defence and feels like ‘the victim’, it’s the action of someone who knows who they are, supports their values and yet is open to self-evaluation. It’s the action of someone humble enough to know that they are not perfect and others may have a point, yet knows their boundaries and are willing to assert them. Walking away is definitely an option. Passionate discussion of different perspectives is definitely an option. This is a HEALTHY place to come from and time again I see NPA bringing clear and healthy action into peoples lives.
Criticism Aikido
If you’re someone who feels sensitive to criticism, then thank God you’re here. If EVER there was a tool for the job, NPA is it for you!
So here’s what I recommend. Get REALLY into NPA. Practice, Practice, Practice The NPA Process! Master it, play with it, just do it! Buy NPA: The Bridge and listen to it over and over. And/or come to a seminar, join the NPA Community!
Each time you do a process you’ll be loosening up your stuck identifications, letting go of some yukky stuff, or letting in some yummy stuff, but also training in the non-personal perspective – this is one of the fundamentals of letting the Non-Personal perspective come alive in you.
Having the non-personal perspective ‘alive’ in you brings an aikido like emotional and mental agility in difficult situations – like when criticism comes your way! Your brittle skin will be nourished, hydrated and re-conditioned with healthy, wholesome non-personal goodness. It’s a wonderful thing 🙂
Have you ever been in a situation where the people around you are in an absolute stink? A prolonged state of ‘negativity’ where it seems like nothing you say or do, no matter how well intentioned, can encouraged them to come back into their heart?
My name is Joel Young and I’m the creator
of The NPA Process, a beautifully simple way to stop taking things personally.
This video addresses the issue of dealing with intense negativity in terms of basic human interaction. It comes in the understanding that human relations are often where our deepest crap hits the proverbial fan, rarely stopping to consider the sanitised suggestions proffered by our more enlightened aspects.
I’ve experienced this many many times in my life and I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way.
I’m not generally big on formulas, but it IS nice to have some options.
So here’s a list of 10 things I’d like to share with you, that I’ve found helpful when I’m dealing with intense negativity. If you can assimilate even one of them in the heat of the moment, you’ll be doing yourself (and the other person) a big favour.
So let’s get started…
1. Re-Think The Label ‘Negativity’
When you label someones expressions as ‘negative’ you enter dangerous territory.
Now, It’s not that I’m saying there’s anything intrinsically bad or wrong with the term negativity, I’m simply suggesting you examine what you are really saying when you use it, and how that impacts your experience: your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
I could say a LOT about this, but the main point I want to highlight is that in the context of heated interactions: Watch out for the tendency to fall into the trap of using the term ‘negativity’ as one of the following: a judgement, a defence, an attack from a position of superior enlightenment, to assert yourself as a victim, to negate their perspective or deny their experience.
All of those will cause YOU pain and I’m encouraging you to be as aware as possible about how YOUR label for THEIR experience impacts YOUR experience.
When we’re uncomfortable with someone else’s expression, it’s very easy to believe the notion that they ought to be different than they are – after all, YOU can see that they would be much happier if they only followed your helpful advice and, of course, it would certainly be easier for you!
Again, I’m not saying that your helpful insights aren’t awesome, and if they did do what’s bleedin’ obvious to you, perhaps they would feel a whole lot better!
The slippery slope here is when you become attached to your way and then suddenly you have an agenda.
Agenda’s limit possibilities. They can make you go deaf & blind to the other person, to yourself and tend to create strong undercurrents of pressure to have themselves fulfilled.
Pressure and heat is exactly what you need for an explosion – just sayin’
The truth is that they need to be where they are right now – at least for now. And as humans we tend to resist when our natural pace is forced.
There’ll be time for suggestions or for offering a perspective or for finding a way through that works for them (whether you agree with it or not) – and that time might not be now.
When you drop your agenda, you’ll be more available to notice that moment when it arises.
3. Don’t Take It Personally
Well, of course, this list would not be complete without a reference to NPA would it?
So… Lots of wise sages have advised people not to take these things personally – and trust me it’s good advice!
I have dedicated nearly a decade of my life to sharing the multifaceted and fundamentally non-personal nature of reality… And sometimes, especially in these situations, it comes down to this: It’s just not about you!
Of course, when someone’s deepest doo doo is being flung in your face, it can be easier said than done to not take it personally, but fortunately the human race now has The NPA Process which gives us a simple and effective way to cut through the sh*t (pun intended) and come up smelling of roses (I may have overdone and/or mixed my metaphors – but you get the point!).
I’ve experienced it myself AND had amazing feedback from so many other people who have stepped out of a heated situation, taken themselves through an NPA Process and found they really CAN stop taking it personally and become freer to act from a wholesome place.
On my website (see below) you’ll find a free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. It will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.
GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY†EXERCISE
Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress
This suggestion may seem hard to swallow, and it often requires us to be able to genuinely get the hang of suggestions 1, 2 & 3 – so: drop the label of negativity, drop the agenda and not take it personally – before we’re able to really listen. But when you DO really listen, magic can happen.
There can be lots of ‘faux’ listening going on, especially where an agenda is running in the background – and in fact, that is not listening.
Truly listening can be miraculous, but listening in order to get a miracle – well, we’re back to agenda again :p
Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added. You might be amazed what gets said when they realise you’re really listening.
5. Listen To You
There’s a saying that ‘misery loves company’ which points to our very natural human longing for agreement. In the heat of their deepest pain people often seek agreement from those around them.
And when I say seek, as you know, it often comes out as demand right?
Now, Our culture is full of mixed messages in this arena.
We’re taught, for example: “It is kind and loving to sympathise and support someone in their painful storiesâ€
This is something many would agree with, and it’s my opinion that there IS a place for this in the bish bosh of day to day human bonding. Validation can be an important part of dialogue.
Conversely we are told “where attention goes energy flowsâ€, which in this context is kind of a rebranding of “don’t throw fuel on the fireâ€. In other words, if you give their negativity attention it will just get worse.
Then there’s the old chestnut: “If I don’t put ’em straight they’ll never learn  And sometimes a strong alternative perspective is exactly what’s needed…
The reality is, there’s no ONE approach that will be right for all situations, and you can’t truly know how the other person will respond whichever path you choose. To sympathise, to challenge, to ignore, to confront…? What to do? What to do?
All you can do is listen to you as best you can, and follow those inner prompts, knowing that they, ultimately, come from a wider awareness. Plus, this way, at least you stay with yourself.
6. Ask Yourself: Is It Kind To Me?
This inner inquiry came to me in the middle of a drawn out domestic some years ago.
Kindness has always been important to me and the question I used to ask was focused very much in the outward direction. “What’s the kind thing for me to do†would be translated as “how can I express kindness towards them“.
What I realised though is that sometimes, my attempts at kindness would be very painful for me, and would often backfire and cause greater stress in my beloved at the time.
The thing is, I was excluding myself completely from the kindness equation.
So, on this occasion I was laying next to my wife at the time, both of us worn out from the long fight. I knew she was still mad at me and very much unresolved… and the truth is, so was I.
Then arose my usual urge to make peace… To open my heart and reconnect and I began to reach out my hand to touch her softly and comfort her… Suddenly the words rang loudly in my head: “Is it kind to YOU Joel?â€
My hand stopped in it’s tracks as the realisation dawned. “No, it bloody well isn’t kind to me†and then, I realised, it wouldn’t really have been kind to her either.
It would have been a false move, borne from my agenda to stop the discomfort I felt with the conflict! It would have been a lie to her and a lie to myself.
My hand withdrew and I lay in the truth, and let her be – free to lay in hers. Something in me softened.
So my suggestion is: before you act to appease, to agree, to shout, to run – whatever – ask yourself “Is it kind to me?â€. If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round.
OK, this one is real simple. You’re gonna cock it up on numbers 1-6 at some point (and numbers 8-10 for that matter!). You just are – that’s your humanity.
So give yourself a break.
Sometimes, what is, is just gonna be: “I’m fed up with the unconscious negativity of the miserable bugger. Why won’t they just think differently like I tell ’em AND I’ve been as kind to them as I can possibly be in spite of their mood! What about me!!!!???†lol
Give yourself a break. There’s another breath coming.
8. Remove Yourself From The Situation
Sometimes you’ve just gotta get out. Get away from it. This links right back to listening to and being kind to you. There are times when it’s time to stay and work it through, and times when something inside says it’s time to go.
This is true in a small temporary way – where you just need to take yourself off for a walk, a bike ride, for a coffee or whatever… AND it can also be true in a bigger way, where it’s time to leave the relationship altogether.
When you listen in and pay close attention, and are willing to be kind to you, the thousand-and-one rational thoughts that would keep you in the painful crap longer than is ‘true’ won’t get a look in.
9. Affirm Your Willingness To Be There When They’re Ready
In relational dynamics, especially if it’s that time to go take a breather (and it’s not the grand finale), I’ve found that it’s kinder all round if you can offer some sense of reassurance as you step away.
It may seem that the other person can neither hear you nor cares, but something inside them is listening.
So saying things like “I’m here when you’re ready, I know we can work this out, and I need to go right now†tend to tear less at the bonds between you.
This isn’t only a sound approach at the times when you need to walk away for a bit, but all throughout communications at these heated times.
The more you can offer statements of intent to work it out together, to hear them, to be there: it’s all good (as long as it’s kind to you).
But really – don’t under estimate the value of another perspective in these kind of situations. We all need a helping hand sometimes <3
One More thing…
What if YOU are the source of ‘intense negativity’?
In that case, watch this video again and see if you can recognise how there’s a part of you that needs to ‘re-think the label’, ‘drop the agenda’ etc etc – give yourself a break and Do some NPA!!
Give It Some Love
So… Perhaps you have ideas I’ve never even thought of? Maybe one of these 10 suggestions has given you an aha moment or helped you in some specific way? Maybe you have a strong opinion about one or all of these?
Please let me and others know in the comments and why not share this if you’ve found it helpful
Also go visit my website: NonPersonalAwareness.com where you’ll find the free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. Remember, it will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.
[or use the link in the box below]
GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY†EXERCISE
Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress
In this Musing on NPA & Life, I’m going to let you know why the story that we need to re-write our personal history in order to heal isn’t necessarily true, and how NPA can help you find your natural path to healing; whatever that may be.
The Definitive Position
There are lots of ‘stories’ flying around in the world of human transformation, positive thinking and healing that are presented as ‘the definite position’. One of the reasons I sometimes refer to myself as a ’21st Century Heretic’ is that I like to examine this new doctrine, with an intention of promoting a perspective of unlimited possibility, co-creation and ongoing evolution.
Most of these ‘definitive positions’ are taken because of an experience of things working that way. So there IS an element of truth to them.
THE Way To Heal
Let’s take our topic-du-jour – healing. It would be true to say that many people have had tremendous success in healing by addressing their issues through following this idea:
“It took root as the result of something in my past, so if I can access whatever set things up this way and change the settings to something better, then I will heal”
The journey to your past can be fun. It can give the mind a recognisable, reason based and understandable story about what caused things to be as they are. It can also help relax the mind about the changes that are be-coming. It can be juicy and it scratches the itch of ‘why?’
This can be a great thing and certainly, in some cases, it’s A good way. But the leap from A WAY to THE WAY can be a trip to limitation and, perhaps even denial of an altogether simpler way.
The reality is that people all over the world are experiencing healing in a million different ways, with most of them not necessarily linking their healing to their past, or changing their thoughts, feelings or beliefs about their ‘history’ in any way.
I like to think that this demonstrates the kindness and flexibility of The Universe in how it answers our prayers – not just for healing, but for the journey of healing that will suit us best.
NPA is just a few simple words; six simple lines. Sometimes you don’t feel a thing. Sometimes you do.
It doesn’t lead you to some place ‘not here’ that you need to get to, in order to meet an idea of what it takes to heal. For example, you are not required to go to the past if that’s not where you’re hanging out naturally. You’re not required to determine ‘how that makes you feel’ if your natural expression is not emotional. You are not required to figure out what you would have to believe in order to feel this way if you ARE experiencing emotions! NPA simply meets you where you are.
NPA has shown me time and again that spontaneous healings can just sort of happen.
And what I have seen much more often with NPA is that it works with our humanity. It honours our longing for the story of our lives. It respects our minds’ childlike need for understanding and opens the way for the most appropriate mechanism to show itself.
You could say that NPA turns on the landing lights for your dreams and prayers. It makes the path that suits you best really clear, and facilitates a nice soft landing.
Life Has Space To Answer
That might be a spontaneous healing. Or it might be that you suddenly feel inspired to have a session in another healing modality – one that uses physical touch, or one that works with your thoughts or emotions – or perhaps even one that addresses the past!
Whatever it is, I often hear that the path is made clear, automatic even and that it runs smooth. Life has space to answer, and to answer in ways that work easily, naturally & sustainably for you.
With all these conflicting definitive positions flying around which tell you with conviction what is required for you to heal can get confusing. So, it’s a wonderful thing to have NPA as A way to help your most natural healing path show itself to you. :0)
[JY-General-Bio]
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“NPA has shown me time & again that spontaneous healings can just sort of happen” via @JoelYoungNPA
“It’s a wonderful thing to have NPA as A way to help your most natural healing path show itself to you” via @JoelYoungNPA
“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”
Have you ever been in a situation where the people around you are in an absolute stink? A prolonged state of ‘negativity’ where it seems like nothing you say or do, no matter how well intentioned, can encouraged them to come back into their heart?
